My Little Secret

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Greetings, readers. I apologise for the dearth of updates. This semester has been a tiring one. I will try to post more frequently now that it’s the holidays and I have nothing else to do really. No promises though.

My little secret? Let me just skip all the pleasantries and break it out for you right now.

I have forgotten how to cry.

It’s true. I cannot even remember the last time I cried. It was probably in lower secondary, when I broke something, and It hurt like a bitch. And I cried like a bitch.

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How Will I Know

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Oh it’s you I know, you’re the one I dream of
Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above,
Oh I lose control, can’t seem to get enough,
When I wake from dream, tell me is it really love,

How will I know if you really love me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you what you know about these things

How will I know if you’re thinking of me
I try to call but I’m too shy (can’t speak)
Falling in love is so bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak

Oh wake me, I’m shaking, wish I had you near me now,
Said there’s no mistaking, what I feel is really love,

How will I know
How will I know
How will I know
How will I know

How will I know if you really love me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I’m asking you what you know about these things

How will I know if you’re thinking of me
I try to phone but I’m too shy (can’t speak)
Falling in love is so bitter sweet
This love is strong why do I feel weak.

Yup.

Untitled.

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Like a cookie-cutter, held with a firm grip, palms spread across the steel circle.

Slowly marking out the desired area, inching closer.

Then, as it touches the surface- the hand becomes steady, confident.

The cookie cutter plunges in, like a fist into a velvet pillow.

But instead of steel meeting the soft, elasticity of butter, sugar, eggs, and flour mixed evenly together-

Skin. Flesh.

Skin, giving the unfamiliar resistance. The hands on the cookie cutter draws back, perturbed, hesitant, but never letting the steel lose contact.

Again. Both hands.

Steel plunges into skin with renewed determination. Blood appears along the circumference, glistening in the light, then slowly flowing down; running down the left side of the body.

The body doesn’t flinch one bit.

The cookie cutter stops. Something was in the way. Breastbone? Ribcage?

The disembodied hands begin to turn the cookie cutter.

“Blunt steel, meet bone. I don’t believe you’ve met.”

The grinding of metal against bone, and the occasional shriek- not from the body, but from these two meeting- echoes through the room.

The shrieks conduct, through the bones; throughout the body.

But still it lay there, unmoving.

Turning, grinding, shrieking. For hours, for days.

But the progress it makes through bone only minute; only scratching the surface.

The heart stays safe, for now, beating regularly, behind the layer of bone.

But it knows it’s next.

That’s what it feels like.

Emptiness

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Hello. Been a while since I used this space.

Is it because I have nothing to say? Or has this void been filled by work? I get the occasional- what do you call it- synapse overload, especially after a particularly engaging conversation or a particularly heavy dose of caffeine. But, I’ve never seemed to be able to put together something coherent to say.

Maybe I really have nothing to say.

This past month has been characterised by emptiness. Look at all the synonyms I’ve already used. Soon I will run out, and there will be no more.

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Karl Marx- A Modern Application

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Been reading up on Marx recently. Thinking about his ideas can be applied to the modern capitalist systems. Had a few problems.

Karl Marx, or Charlie as I’d like to call him, is one of the ideological cornerstones of the disciplines of Sociology, Political Science, Philosophy, Economy, and other social sciences and humanities.

Many draw their inspiration from him and entire world regimes have been influenced by his ideas.

His ideas of the working class, his ideas of economy, his ideas of how workers like you and I are exploited, his ideas on equality and his ideas on how the rich and powerful are making use of the poor and despondent.

These ideas, however, seem to be a product of the past- at a time of the beginning of industry and the Industrial Revolution. Where and why then, would Marx still have a place in scholarly discourse of today?

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Dedication. Deux.

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My own bed; the one I woke up in today, felt strangely unfamiliar.

I expected the hard, brick floors outside the chinese library, the white, smooth tiles of AS7, or the polished parquet of AS4 and the MPSH digging into my shoulder blades.

I looked around. I saw the white painted walls of my room, my dark blue curtains in the gentle wind, letting a sliver of sunshine into the room. I expected the chatter of my campers, whining about back pains and tiredness.

But it was silent.

I miss camp.

 

The confines of my room, in my own home, have become unfamiliar. I finally understood. A home is where we live in, but a house is where the family is.

R House.

 

The past seven days have been nothing short of amazing. When I took up the mantle of being a House IC, I was excited. But as the days counted down to the start of Orientation week,a sense of trepidation hung over me.

“Will I be able to live up to expectations? Will I be able to command the presence that my predecessors had? Will the freshies like me?”

“To hell with these, I should just dive in to it.”

And I did.

 

As a House IC, I wasn’t attached to any OG, and this sometimes made me feel that I didn”t have enough time to interact with you guys. But time’s never enough, is it? I tried to make every effort to know every individual, be it a freshie or a senior, but knowing someone is never simply just knowing their names.

Knowing someone is knowing the stories behind each individual- their experiences, their likes and dislikes, their history, their personality and their character. These are things that some people take a lifetime to learn about others, much less 6 days.

As a House IC, if I wanted my house to do the retarded Reft4Red actions, I had to be the most animated person. If I wanted my house to cheer, I had to cheer the loudest. If I wanted my house to good, I had to be the best. It wasn’t easy- in fact, it was downright exhausting. The shuttling between places to settle administration, the staying behind to ensure that everyone has left before us, and the waking up before everyone to ensure that the day goes smoothly- these are the little things that I did every day during the camp.

 

But it was all worth it.

 

To see the people in my house, gradually stirring from their sleeping- waking up, looking around, tired but expectant, makes this all worthwhile. The sheer presence of you freshies, you councillors, you AOGLs, you OGLs, and you seniors, just gives me immense pride to lead R house. To see their faces in the LT, all looking at me and thinking,” What are we going to do today?” Just gives me the energy to press on. The sight of all the OGs playing games and laughing their hearts out in their little circles of warmth fills me with a sense of achievement- that I’ve done something right; that my motto for this camp was right- Freshies First.

 

Freshies First

Thank you each and every freshie for tolerating my and Huan Jun’s nonsense since day 1. Fromt he start of the camp, we made up our minds to focus on bonding and being retarded Reft4Red as much as possible. You guys are the reason we keep going and going. I begin every morning by looking at each and every one of your faces and end each day looking at the very same faces. Faces of anticipation and excitement, of happiness and jubilation, and of exhaustion but contentment. This camp was for you. All we do is for you. I hope you have found the right group of friends to kick start your university life, and I hope you will treasure these ties for a long, long time.

Did I say the right group of friends? I meant family. Yes. The R house family. See you guys around. I love you bunch.

 

House ICs

Great journey with great people. Sam & Em, Chai & HBG, Chan Yu & Bra- we did good, we did great. I will cherish the times we spent filming, the endless laughter we shared joking with one another, comparing stupid freshies, and pointing out to one another retarded freshies during cheers. We make a great team and i wouldn’t swap any one of you out for any one else in the world. A job well done, a camp well run. Sam, thanks for being my thatswhatshesaid buddy and always coming over and talking to us when the houses are gathered. Your sporty attitude will be missed- take care for your exchange, and I will see you when you’re back. Emily, I can never forgot how lupsup you are, and that sick, sick laughter of yours. See you and your bubbly self around in school. HBG & Brandon- you both are the freaking couple of destruction. Your stupid antics and kaopehing will be ringing in my ears in time to come. Thank you both for being there as well, and Brandon for shuttling me in his car. See you in school you lovely dovey couple. Chan Yu & Bra- You both trying to compete with me and Huan Jun for most lupsup House ICs is it? Your cheers are really last warning. Thank you both for being such great House ICs- my favourite moment would be us doodling on the visualiser, and Chan Yu slamming into the fire extinguisher during filming. See you both around school, and congratulations for winning best house!

House IC pride!

 

OComm

Ben and your team- you guys have been great. I’m really glad that you, too, envisioned the freshies first experience whilst making the camp an extremely safe environment for everyone. You desire for everything to be perfect, for everything to run smoothly and for every single member of your Ocomm to meet up to your standards is lauded. We really appreciate your hard work into making this camp a success, and I will see you guys around. Special mention to Joshua- bro, sorry I was busy to really interact with you during this camp. You have really come a long way from Oweek 13 to become the Logs head for this camp. Your drive and willpower is really something else. R5, R2, and R House are immensely proud of you babe. To the rest of the OComm who I’ve not had the chance to interact with/disturb enough- I apologise but know this- your masterpiece which is OWeek 14, will never be forgotten.

OWeek, 6 days.

 

Seniors

Seniors are always the unsung heroes. They are the people in the background, providing the (literal and figurative) fuel for everyone to move forward. From the Year 2s to the Year 4s and even the graduates- I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For so many seniors to come back, R house must have done something right. You continued support as the backbone of R house is deeply appreciated. I need your support for Arts Camp 2015 and beyond. The R house spirit lives on in all of us!

 

R10 (my OGLs)

What else can I say. We have done so much in so little time it’s just fucking amazing. From barely knowing each other when we first met to the current BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION (I think a SISTERS OF DESTRUCTION is in order), we owned the camp. I apologise for my constant nagging on the chats regarding administration and other matters, and for continually reminding you guys about all the little things to do to improve the OG and the freshie experience. I sincerely thank each and every one of you for being so supportive and being there for us.

Whenever we need something, R10 will be there. Where there is an epic House IC introduction to be done, R10 will be there. Whenever there are cheers to be demonstrated, R10 will be there. You dedication, your enthusiasm, and your love, will forever be etched in my heart, right here.

 

Huan Jun

We make an epic duo don’t we. From day one our goals have been aligned, and we complement each other perfectly (I take morning shift you take night shift). I am so glad we had this opportunity to work together. I always looked up to you when you were the House IC- your aura and presence as a leader was something I always wanted to achieve. The retarded Reft4Red things we did, the stupid actions we came up with, and the epic cheers we pulled out of our butts heads. Thank you for being there to encourage me whenever I seemed unsure. Thank you for going along with my ideas and carrying them out together with me. Thank you for listening to my thoughts and always working toward our goals in every little way possible.

Thank you for everything.

 

That concludes my summer of ’14. See you guys around school.

You are red we are red, red is our blood.

R House, Yessar.

I remember you.

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Greetings imaginary readers.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of preparations for Orientation Week ’14, outings with tons and tons of wonderful people and going to the gym, I have finally found some time to sit down and write (or type, in this case). Consider this part deux of my post on friends here about friends and friendship.

I’ve read that a person can only maintain a limited number of meaningful relationships. There is Dunbar’s number, which caps it at 190. Other studies put that number to be ~290. The reasons for this numbers, in real life, can be attributed to the fact that we only have a limited time and attention span for people around us and to know what’s happening in their lives. Social media would have of course significantly reduced this problem, perhaps increasing the number of meaningful relationships we have with each other.Everyday I see snippets of people’s lives on my social media platforms, and I gain this extra little insight into their lives without actually establishing contact with them. People are now free to communicate with each other in their free time, now that a figment of their daily lives have been put forth for all to see.

God damn that made me sound like a creep.

Anyway, what is the point of this post? Well, after freshmen orientation camps, we get to know a lot of people. In my capacity as a House IC now, I make the effort to try and know everyone. I can’t remember names that well (sorry), but I remember faces.

I remember stories, I remember quirks, I remember likes and dislikes.

I remember you.

 

The past few weeks have been tiring. I’ve gone to countless OG outings and gotten to know all of you one by one. No longer just faces in a crowd. No longer just numbers on a piece of paper. I’m not just a House IC, I am your friend.

God damn that made me sound even more like a creep.

 

The thing about friendships and relationships is that I don’t believe in the limits of meaningful relationships. If effort is made to maintain them, every relationship can be meaningful. I go out of the way to meet people; to talk over Whatsapp. Some way or another, I will try to connect with people. As much as I am independent and can be quite a loner when I am studying, I enjoy the company of friends. I enjoy doing things for friends, making them laugh, seeing them happy.

 

It’s what I do.